EASY WAYS to Comfort a Crying Woman

When a woman you know seems distressed and starts crying, it can be hard to know how to make her feel better. Understanding where she's coming from is a good place to start. Once you know why she's crying, you can offer sincere words of comfort and physical affection to help ease her pain. Comforting a woman the right way will strengthen your relationship and help her open up to you. If you want to know more about how to comfort a woman, keep reading.

Part One: Putting Yourself in Her Shoes

1. Understand the cause of her crying. 

Sometimes the cause of a woman's crying is immediately apparent, and other times it's tough to figure out what's provoking her tears. Knowing the cause will enable you to feel empathy for her situation, which will make you a much better source of comfort. Both men and women cry when they're sad, but women are more likely to also cry when they're feeling other emotions, like anger, embarrassment, wist fulness, and joy.

• Ask her why she's crying in a sincere, caring tone, but don't push it if she doesn't reply. The tricky part is that women don't always want to be asked, and sometimes the question can provoke more tears.
• Think about what's happening in her life that might lead her to feel emotional pain. Did she lose her job? Did her family member die? If she's going through a crisis, that's likely the cause.
• If she's smiling through her tears, she's probably feeling a poignant mixture of joy and nostalgia or gratitude for being alive. Some women get overwhelmed by these feelings, and it's completely normal.
• Could it be something you said? If you said something critical that hurt her feelings, you can still comfort her - in fact, you might be the only one who can.
• Do not be judgmental about the cause of her tears. Women tend to externalize emotions, while men hold them in. Just because the source of her tears wouldn't make you cry doesn't mean it's not a valid reason to be upset.

2.  Don't create a reason where there isn't one.

 Sometimes women cry even though there doesn't seem to have an immediate source of pain or turmoil. Women themselves can't always identify why they're crying. It could be her hormones (especially if it's "that time of the month"), a vague passing sadness, or the result of depression or anxiety. If a woman is crying for no discernible reason, she still needs comfort.

• Never get frustrated that you can't figure out why she's crying. You'll immediately make her feel more isolated, and she won't want to turn to you as a source of comfort.
• If she doesn't want to tell you the reason, that's ok. You can still comfort her just by being there for her while she's feeling upset.

3.  Get in tune with the emotions she's feeling.

 Instead of focusing on the fact that she's crying, focus on what she must be feeling, and do your best to relate to it. If the woman you're comforting is someone you care about, sharing in her sadness or anger will help you be a better companion and listener. That's what it means to feel empathy for someone else; even if you may not be experiencing the problems she's experiencing, you can probably imagine how it would feel if it were happening to you.

• It might help to think back to a time when you felt the same way. How do you express emotions like anger and sadness?

4.  Think about how you like to be comforted. 

When you're upset, what makes you feel better? You probably feel comforted knowing there's someone you can rely on to be there for you while you're feeling low and stay there after the storm clouds have passed. Comforting someone else is often that simple. You don't have to solve the woman's problems; just be a nonjudgmental presence.

• Similarly, think about what isn't comforting when you're down. You probably don't feel better when someone tells you to "get over it or "buck up." You probably feel worse when someone says "it's not that bad," or expresses frustration that your problems can't be instantly solved. If you wouldn't feel comforted by something, don't do it to her.
• Another thing that probably doesn't make you feel better is when someone feels uncomfortable with your negative emotions and leaves you to deal with them alone. You're reading this article because you want to comfort someone, so you already get points for having the courage not to run away from sadness or pain.

Part Two: Saying the Right Words

1.  Tell her you're here for her.

 It's deeply comforting to hear a loved one say the words "I'm here," and to trust that the person really means it. Make eye contact with the woman and use a sincere tone of voice when you let her know you aren't going anywhere while she's feeling so upset.

• Use your body language to reinforce your statement by sitting down next to her, rather than standing and angling your body as though you're ready to make for the door.
• All that said, if she tells you to leave or otherwise makes it clear that she doesn't actually want you there, you need to respect that and go. Some people prefer not to cry in the presence of others, so try not to take it personally.

2.  Apologize if you said something to upset her.

 Maybe you know that you're the reason she's in tears. If that's the case, give her a sincere apology for the words you said or actions you took that made her cry. Make sure you don't say it in a forceful or sullen tone of voice; the apology needs to be real to be comforting.

• Don't make excuses or try to justify yourself, because that's not going to comfort her. You can save the blow-by-blow of the fight for later, after emotions are no longer running so hot. For now, just apologize.
• If you don't feel you did anything wrong, but you still know you're the reason she's crying, tell her "I'm sorry we fought," or something that similarly expresses you didn't mean for it to end up this way.

3.  Ask her if she wants to talk. 

Sometimes women feel comforted when they're able to talk about what's causing the problem. Letting her know you're willing to listen is a nice thing to do, and it might help start a conversation that will lead to the cessation of her tears.

• If she says yes, that would help, ask her a follow up question like "did something happen today?"
• If she says no, she doesn't want to talk, don't press the issue.

4.  Ask her if there's anything you can to do help.

 She might be experiencing a problem you can help her solve somehow, in which case giving her a hand could be a huge source of comfort. Maybe she's crying out of frustration with a project she's been working on for days and just can't seem to finish, or because she's angry at someone and doesn't know how to deal with the situation. If there's something you can do to help, by all means do it.

5.  Know when to just sit and listen. 

Sometimes women cry over a situation that is truly unfixable. In cases like these, you're not going to find a magic switch you can flip to make her happy again, so don't keep trying. Just being there for her is good enough. Stay with her quietly and patiently for as long as it takes for her crying jag to stop.

• Don't offer hollow cliches just to fill the silence. "It could be worse," "there's aways tomorrow" and "look on the bright side" are sentiments you should not utter when a woman is crying.
• Don't try to change the subject or make light of the situation, either. She'll finish crying in a few minutes; don't make her think you're getting impatient by cracking a silly joke or talking about your dinner plans. Just be there for her.

Part Three: Comforting Her Through Actions

1.  Offer a tissue or something else to comfort her. 

Give her something to dry her tears right away, then ask her if there's anything else you can get her. Bring her a glass of water or a cup of tea if you won't have to leave her too long to do so. If you're in a public setting, close the door so she has some privacy. Lead her to a chair or a couch where she'll be more comfortable.

2.  Give her a hug or put your arm around her. 

Physical touch can be a great source of comfort for a woman who is crying. Giving her a (non sexual) hug or putting your arm around her will make her feel less alone and show her that you care about her. If you know her well, a kiss on the forehead can also be comforting.

• If you're in a relationship, rub her shoulders or back while she's crying. Use steady, gentle pressure to help calm her down.
• Pay attention to her body language. If she seems to be enjoying the touch, keep doing it. If she stiffens or asks you to stop, do so immediately.

3.  Let her lean on you. 

Allowing her to rest her head on your shoulder is a nice thing to do. Someone who is wracked with sobs may feel weak or unsteady, and as her partner or friend you can help her feel better by being a strong, steady physical presence she can turn to. Don't shift around or stiffen, though, because she might think you're getting impatient.

4.  Don't make sexual advances. 

Now is not the time, whether you're in a romantic relationship or you're just friends. Show the woman your priority is to comfort her emotionally, and that you don't have ulterior motives, especially if you're hugging her to give her comfort. Maybe things will go in that direction, maybe not, but either way it's up to her to make the move, not you. When a woman is crying she's feeling very vulnerable, and it's not honorable to use that vulnerability get her in bed. Being a caring, comforting presence will strengthen your relationship in the long run.

TIPS

• Show her a cute thing, or do something to cheer her up.
• Silk handkerchiefs are the most gentlemanly thing you can offer a lady to blow her nose with. This cannot be stressed enough. Have a large supply at the ready at all times if women are prone to crying on you.
• When you tell a woman you're going to do something (wash the dishes, replace the faucet, squash the saucer-sized spider that tried to crawl across her pillow), do it as soon as humanly possible.

WARNINGS

• Do not, under any circumstance, touch a crying woman in any way that could be construed as even remotely sexual. This is a very, very boorish thing to do, and is the worst possible way you could ever take advantage of a woman. You deserve whatever punishment you get.
• Never express exasperation with a crying woman. She will hate you for not caring about her emotions, and for being a jerk about it. If you can't handle seeing/hearing her cry, bite your tongue and just sit next to her patiently working through next quarter's figures in your head.
• If you wouldn't use it to wipe your own nose, don't offer it to her as a tissue substitute. Industrial grade paper towels are an especially bad choice. According to many women, they feel like sandpaper.